For the many thoughts that come and go unannounced and the ones which refuse to budge out of my head…

Posts tagged ‘Letter’

Thank you, T.J.


Dear TJ,

Nature works in mysterious ways, and I have reason to believe it does. I write to you every year, hoping I get a response from you. It’s been three years since you’ve been gone, but I know you’ve always been right here beside me. It may sound a wee bit insane, but deep down, I just know it’s you, standing by me through all my laughter, tears, sickness and health. I always crave for a response, and somehow, in one magical way or another I seem to get it from you.

Words seem to fail me when it comes to describing how much I miss you. I hope you know how hard it’s been for me without you. Without that first morning hug and bright smile and sometimes the tough love and lectures about how I need to get my act together. I hope you know that the void you left behind was not an easy one to fill.

A part of my life went with you the day you left us. And for sometime, I was left stunned and in disbelief, bitter and craving for that part of my life to come back to me. But life has a pace and life is the name of that unforgiving thing that gives you the time to heal, but doesn’t give you the space to show it. It is unexpected and sometimes takes turns when you’re least prepared. But it does lend you a hand when others aren’t looking, trying to make up for the pain it caused.

These three years, I have been healing, but I still have been seeking, what you seemed to have taken with you. There is a part of me that wants to let go, a part of me that wants to believe that everything happens for a reason, but no reason seems good enough when it comes to you.

But then again, there come these times in life when you believe life is working some bits of magic to give you a sliver of hope. I know you have your mysterious ways TJ, and I somehow manage to find you in even the littlest of things. You have changed my life in so many ways, and it’s amazing how you still seem to do so.

From our college pet, a little puppy whom we figuratively raised and named; a cat I brought home, hoping to raise alongside my dog; the different and sometimes crazy combinations of colours I wear; the pages in my notebook filled with random doodles; the insanity and ecstasy I feel whenever it rains; all the times I’ve been fearless to speak my mind; spicy chaat and chai-samosa sessions, and so many more of those little things in life are places I find you in. Things you imbibed in me. In every good thing I do, or positive thing I say, I feel like you are present. A part of you that lives in me and is guiding me to do those things. Do good, do the best, do right.

I know you’re out there somewhere, and I need you to know that you mean the world to me. Even if you aren’t reading this, I know that somehow, my thoughts are reaching you. TJ, you are the most special person in my life and I hope you know what you mean to me. I am the person that I am today all because of you. You have given me the strength, courage and passion to go through life with the simplicity, ease and innocence which were synonymous to you.

I would’ve loved for us to grow old together and do all those things we planned to, from being together in school and college all the way to being business partners and flatmates. I know life would have been different had you still been here, but I know deep down that you’re always right here by my side, making me go through life effortlessly and with the same passion, insanity and innocence that you did.

Tejaswee Rao, thank you for being in my life and making me what I am today. All the hurdles I crossed, the tears I fought, the fights I avoided and the hope I refused to give up, I couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you for being there for me and for still continuing to do so. You’ve been my mentor, sister and pillar of strength. One may think it’s cosmic coincidence, but I know it’s all you.

I hope someday I get to see you again. I wouldn’t want to wait another lifetime just to be with you, but I know you would make it worth the wait.

Love you now, forever and for always,

yours,

‘Roo

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To Tejaswee, with Love…


Hello there beautiful…

No I haven’t forgotten your birthday, never have.

I know you can read this from wherever you are, and I hope you remember me, your best friend whom you left here stranded. Oh, okay stop giving that look already, of course you do.

So things are going fine here. Life is going on. I guess time is a healer, but is also brutal in its ways. It doesn’t really wait for one to think or react, and when it’s had enough with you it changes drastically and coaxes you to blend in with it. I’ve just been learning from it. I guess I am learning to let go, but I can never stop missing your presence in my life. And on your birthday, TJ, I just want to thank you for being a part of my once very ordinary life that you made so extraordinary.

You have changed me in so many ways, for which I’ll be eternally grateful to you. You’ve made me grow.

I can’t really say it’s been easy here without you. That vacuum you’ve left is not easy to fill. But I’ve learnt a lot from you, and even your haunting absence has made me realize that nothing in this world is permanent.

You have been more than a friend to me. Like you said, we were like ‘fraternal twins’. But in its truest sense I wish I could be even half of the person that you were.

You may have left earlier than anyone would’ve liked, but you have been immortalized by the happiness you’ve spread. You’ve left behind a legacy of immortal words and smiling faces that feel blessed that you were once a part of their lives.

Every moment I’ve spent with you is more than a memory for me, because it’s very difficult for a person like you to be reduced to a mere memory. You are someone whose warmth and goodness just resonates beyond the dimensions of life and it is this very warmth that I can still feel crop up from time to time, reminding me how to live every moment to its fullest and cherish life in its every form. TJ, you may have left me, but ‘Tejaswee’, the radiant light, will be with me forever.

Dearest TJ, thank you for making me the person that I am today, I have derived a lot of strength from you and still continue to do so. You have made me a better person.

I would’ve loved for us to have grown older together and fulfilled our dreams by each other’s side (like the media house we were supposed to start together), but I guess life always has sinister plans lined up, and questioning fate just leaves you more bitter and angry.

In the short time you were here you have been the best friend anyone could’ve asked for. I’m just lucky to have had you in my life. Thank you for being there for me whenever I needed you, my sister, mentor and pillar of strength.

I was told that only a miracle could bring you back, and I am still waiting for that miracle to happen. I miss you like crazy, but I’m still hoping I’ll soon see my silver lining.

Thanks for looking out for me, TJ. I guess guardian angels do exist after all.

I will always love you, and I know you will too.

Happy Birthday, sweety.

Loads of love and hugs,

AK

To a 30-Year-Old Me


Dear older me,

I’ve been thinking about you lately. Thinking about how you’ve turned out. It’s been 10 years since I’ve written this to you, and I’m writing this because I don’t want you to forget me, or that I was there in your life.

There are these questions in my head I want to ask, and I really wish to get answers to them from you.

I am 19 as I’m writing this. I know you’re older now, and you’re probably finding this childish but you’ve got to admit you’ve always loved letters, writing as well as receiving them.

I really want to know where you’re reading this. Is it in an air conditioned corporate office with an attendant at your beck and call or are you reading this at your home stealing some time away from your kids?

Or maybe you’re still a lot like me and you’re just reading this sitting on the pot in the loo.

Whatever it may be, I hope you do read this, because like I said, I want you to always remember that I was there.

I’ve been going through a lot of changes lately. College does show you the best and the worst times. But true to its every worth, a lot of what you’ve become today (whatever it may be) you owe a lot of it to this place.

I hope you’ve learned how to play the piano or guitar by now. Remember how you’ve always wanted to? I feel you should have by now. I hope you’ve learned to speak your mind, ’cause I still am not very good at that. I still prefer to write my mind rather than speak it.

I’m thinking of doing social anthropology, I hope you’ve done it by now. If you have, it would’ve helped you understand things better. And if you haven’t I hope you have a good enough justification to give me for it.

I know you’re older than me, but I still don’t feel awkward giving you advice.

I hope you’ve become a little less messy now. I have been proud of being it many-a-times but I still think you should’ve changed that in you by now. At least a little. Do you still hate alcohol as much as I do? I sure think so, ’cause I don’t think I’ll be able to develop the taste for it ever. Like I always say, I don’t think it’s immoral or wrong, I just don’t like the taste. Pretty impressive huh?

Are you still in touch with old friends from school and college? I haven’t had much experience as yet, but I can tell for one that these are the most real friends you’ll have.

I’m sure you remember Tejaswee. How can anyone forget her? Please remember her life always, and not her death. My faith in God hasn’t still been restored after her death. Maybe it has as you’re reading this? You know, she is the one who inspired me to write this in the first place. If you’re a good person today, you owe a lot of it to her.

Because, unlike a faceless God, of whose existence we can never be sure of, I was always sure that she was looking out for me. And I always refrained from doing anything wrong in life because I knew she was up there looking at me, and she wouldn’t like it. I just hope you haven’t seen a worse time than her death and I hope you don’t see it either.

Do you still go by my crazy philosophies? I don’t know about the rest, but I hope you haven’t let go of my ‘no-regrets theory’. It’s an original. I want you to follow it always. And I want you to have NO regrets in life whatsoever. I’m working towards that too, so that you don’t have any opportunity to blame me.

Oh! I forgot. I guess you’re the only one I can ask without hesitation. So, are you married yet? Well, if you are, I hope you’ve done everything I have dreamt to do before doing that. I hope you’ve chosen the right time and the right person (Is it who I think it is?).

I do want you to have lots of kids though. You know how much I love kids.

I just hope you haven’t become too fat. I don’t want to foresee you being fat. Okay fine, I’ll try and exercise a little so that you don’t have to face any trouble.

Have you started looking your age finally? I still haven’t been able to, as you know. I hope things change by the time I’m you.

Gosh! I’ve used hope so many times, I almost sound like Obama.

While I want some things about you to change, there are some things in me, which I want you to still have. I don’t want you let go of my quirky and stupid yet meaningful philosophies. One of them being my ‘in your shoes theory’, whenever I get angry at someone or feel a strong negative emotion for someone, I always put myself in their shoes and see if it is justifiable. If it is, I let go. But if it isn’t I fight back. I know it’s a little idealistic, I’m still working on it. By the time it’s passed on to you, you’d hopefully have mastered it.

I just hope that wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, you’re happy being there and doing that. I’m working towards it myself. I don’t know how true it’ll be then, but as of now, it does not matter to me what others think of me and it never really should.

Don’t lose touch with me. Please do remember me from time to time. I’ll be gone by the time you read this, but hopefully some part of me will still remain in you.

Love,

AK

Dear Tejaswee…


Dear Tejaswee,

As you know, I never liked calling you by a nick name (because I respect the fact that our parents put a lot of thought into deciding names for us). This is my sixth letter to you, the previous five being the ones I had written to you when you were in the ICU, when you needed to know what was going on around you. I know you never read those letters in front of me, but I’m sure you did read them later without letting me know. Sorry for the bad grammar in them by the way, you know what state of mind I was in when I was writing them.

It’s been exactly a month since you died. And I remember the time when we were sitting in my car, and you told me that when you die, you’d prefer people to use the words death and died instead of insinuations for it. I’m sorry for not saying so before. It was just difficult for me to do so. After you died, I felt lost for quite some time. Stayed quieter than ever, was so unaware that I wet my iPod in the rain and now even that is not working any more. I quit my dance classes (I know you’re going to hate me for it, but I don’t think I could put my heart into it). And most of all I had lost my belief in God. Maybe I was really angry with him. I just couldn’t see you go. I guess I came to know about God’s human side that day, of sometimes being more selfish than man.

By the way thanks for replying to my random conversations with you through my dreams. Each one of them was so comforting. So like you, always know how to make things better. I remember the time when I cried on your shoulder about my masi being really ill, and you just made it all so much better. And made me laugh after that, and I made you swear not to tell anyone that I cried.

I still haven’t seen inception by the way. We were supposed to watch it for friendship day, the day you were hospitalised. That day you totally outdid me with the ultra lame jokes you were cracking, about us to be positive, ‘cause that’s your blood group, and the fact that you’re in the ICU, but the irony is that no one can actually ‘see you’. You also told me to reduce my caffeine intake, and yes, it has fallen drastically (V and A are witnesses to that). A, V and A are fine by the way. They still do the best they can to take my case, and now that you’re not there, there’s no one to tell them to stop. I also added D on facebook. I remember when you had told me, that I might get along with him because he’s into dance.

Aunty is doing well too, she’s being really brave. I’m sure you already know that, and you’re looking at her and giving those virtual hugs you used to give me on the phone. Uncle was ill a few weeks ago, but he’s much better now. I talk to aunty every day, speak about your little quirks and eccentricities. I also tied two rakhis to your brother, K by the way. One from you and one from me. I remember when you told me how patronising you found the whole system of the brother ‘protecting’ the sister, and that it should be mutual.

I’m sorry about those nights I spent crying, maybe it was all pent up. You see, I did the best I could to hold it in, in front of aunty and uncle. And you know me really well, before you left us, you were the only one apart from my family, who’d ever seen me cry.

You know, sometimes when I look at little things, they remind me of you. When I look at my fridge, I’m always reminded of when you labelled me as your ‘fridge-friend’, which is a friend who opens the fridge in your place and takes whatever she likes. My pillow reminds me of when we were little kids in class two, and you had told me this story about the ‘magic pillow’ you apparently had. You bum, I almost believed you at that.

Tejaswee, you may not be around physically, but I know you’re there somewhere. I know you listen to me when I talk in the air randomly and hope like hell that you’re listening. Sometimes when I watch the rain, I remember the time we danced in the rain and got wet from head to toe. Before I knew you, I never thought love existed beyond a romantic relationship. You truly showed me what love is, when you took care of me in the medical room when I had got a severe asthma attack, when you came back for me when we were crossing the road, and I got stuck in the middle. When you got me those bodyshop lip-balms in front of me and never told me that they were actually meant for me. And all those times you showed me what it is like to love a friend with all your heart.

The last day that you talked to me, you told me you’ll always love me. And I know you’ll stand by it. Please keep coming in my dreams and talking to me, you’re the only one who could give me sound advice. Life is going on, sweety. But I don’t think it can be the same without you, at least not for now. It’s going to take time. I cannot let go of you so easily. But learning from you, I am living every moment to its best. I’m honing my talent of writing, which you always believed in and encouraged. I’m going to write a book on you. People need to know what an extraordinary person you were.

You will always live on in my heart, no matter what. We’re going to do the things you always wanted to. One of them being that all of us are planning to adopt kids like you always wanted to. I still miss you sometimes, but you’re the only one who gives me the hope to live life to the fullest. Thinking about you may someday retain my faith in God, because if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have had a friend like you. You will always live on sweety, we will never let your spirit die. You’ll always be among us guiding us through right and wrong. And I will love you forever, as I promised.

Till the next time that you meet me in my dreams, loads and loads of love and big virtual hugs.

A

PS: Say hi to Heath Ledger for me and tell him I’ve been a huge fan. 🙂 And stop blushing at the mention of Heath Ledger. 😛

Love…