For the many thoughts that come and go unannounced and the ones which refuse to budge out of my head…

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

Thank you, T.J.


Dear TJ,

Nature works in mysterious ways, and I have reason to believe it does. I write to you every year, hoping I get a response from you. It’s been three years since you’ve been gone, but I know you’ve always been right here beside me. It may sound a wee bit insane, but deep down, I just know it’s you, standing by me through all my laughter, tears, sickness and health. I always crave for a response, and somehow, in one magical way or another I seem to get it from you.

Words seem to fail me when it comes to describing how much I miss you. I hope you know how hard it’s been for me without you. Without that first morning hug and bright smile and sometimes the tough love and lectures about how I need to get my act together. I hope you know that the void you left behind was not an easy one to fill.

A part of my life went with you the day you left us. And for sometime, I was left stunned and in disbelief, bitter and craving for that part of my life to come back to me. But life has a pace and life is the name of that unforgiving thing that gives you the time to heal, but doesn’t give you the space to show it. It is unexpected and sometimes takes turns when you’re least prepared. But it does lend you a hand when others aren’t looking, trying to make up for the pain it caused.

These three years, I have been healing, but I still have been seeking, what you seemed to have taken with you. There is a part of me that wants to let go, a part of me that wants to believe that everything happens for a reason, but no reason seems good enough when it comes to you.

But then again, there come these times in life when you believe life is working some bits of magic to give you a sliver of hope. I know you have your mysterious ways TJ, and I somehow manage to find you in even the littlest of things. You have changed my life in so many ways, and it’s amazing how you still seem to do so.

From our college pet, a little puppy whom we figuratively raised and named; a cat I brought home, hoping to raise alongside my dog; the different and sometimes crazy combinations of colours I wear; the pages in my notebook filled with random doodles; the insanity and ecstasy I feel whenever it rains; all the times I’ve been fearless to speak my mind; spicy chaat and chai-samosa sessions, and so many more of those little things in life are places I find you in. Things you imbibed in me. In every good thing I do, or positive thing I say, I feel like you are present. A part of you that lives in me and is guiding me to do those things. Do good, do the best, do right.

I know you’re out there somewhere, and I need you to know that you mean the world to me. Even if you aren’t reading this, I know that somehow, my thoughts are reaching you. TJ, you are the most special person in my life and I hope you know what you mean to me. I am the person that I am today all because of you. You have given me the strength, courage and passion to go through life with the simplicity, ease and innocence which were synonymous to you.

I would’ve loved for us to grow old together and do all those things we planned to, from being together in school and college all the way to being business partners and flatmates. I know life would have been different had you still been here, but I know deep down that you’re always right here by my side, making me go through life effortlessly and with the same passion, insanity and innocence that you did.

Tejaswee Rao, thank you for being in my life and making me what I am today. All the hurdles I crossed, the tears I fought, the fights I avoided and the hope I refused to give up, I couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you for being there for me and for still continuing to do so. You’ve been my mentor, sister and pillar of strength. One may think it’s cosmic coincidence, but I know it’s all you.

I hope someday I get to see you again. I wouldn’t want to wait another lifetime just to be with you, but I know you would make it worth the wait.

Love you now, forever and for always,

yours,

‘Roo

To Tejaswee, with Love…


Hello there beautiful…

No I haven’t forgotten your birthday, never have.

I know you can read this from wherever you are, and I hope you remember me, your best friend whom you left here stranded. Oh, okay stop giving that look already, of course you do.

So things are going fine here. Life is going on. I guess time is a healer, but is also brutal in its ways. It doesn’t really wait for one to think or react, and when it’s had enough with you it changes drastically and coaxes you to blend in with it. I’ve just been learning from it. I guess I am learning to let go, but I can never stop missing your presence in my life. And on your birthday, TJ, I just want to thank you for being a part of my once very ordinary life that you made so extraordinary.

You have changed me in so many ways, for which I’ll be eternally grateful to you. You’ve made me grow.

I can’t really say it’s been easy here without you. That vacuum you’ve left is not easy to fill. But I’ve learnt a lot from you, and even your haunting absence has made me realize that nothing in this world is permanent.

You have been more than a friend to me. Like you said, we were like ‘fraternal twins’. But in its truest sense I wish I could be even half of the person that you were.

You may have left earlier than anyone would’ve liked, but you have been immortalized by the happiness you’ve spread. You’ve left behind a legacy of immortal words and smiling faces that feel blessed that you were once a part of their lives.

Every moment I’ve spent with you is more than a memory for me, because it’s very difficult for a person like you to be reduced to a mere memory. You are someone whose warmth and goodness just resonates beyond the dimensions of life and it is this very warmth that I can still feel crop up from time to time, reminding me how to live every moment to its fullest and cherish life in its every form. TJ, you may have left me, but ‘Tejaswee’, the radiant light, will be with me forever.

Dearest TJ, thank you for making me the person that I am today, I have derived a lot of strength from you and still continue to do so. You have made me a better person.

I would’ve loved for us to have grown older together and fulfilled our dreams by each other’s side (like the media house we were supposed to start together), but I guess life always has sinister plans lined up, and questioning fate just leaves you more bitter and angry.

In the short time you were here you have been the best friend anyone could’ve asked for. I’m just lucky to have had you in my life. Thank you for being there for me whenever I needed you, my sister, mentor and pillar of strength.

I was told that only a miracle could bring you back, and I am still waiting for that miracle to happen. I miss you like crazy, but I’m still hoping I’ll soon see my silver lining.

Thanks for looking out for me, TJ. I guess guardian angels do exist after all.

I will always love you, and I know you will too.

Happy Birthday, sweety.

Loads of love and hugs,

AK

Beauty in a Miracle



I often ask my father how I look when I try a new dress on. And he always replies with what I find rather unusual, ‘You look very pretty. But for me, that 5 pound baby covered in blood will always be the most beautiful.’

This often puzzled me. It was a tad heavy for a fourteen-year-old to understand. As I grew older, I asked my dad what this meant, when he finally told me when I was in my twenties…

“It was raining heavily that night. Your mother, then in her ninth month of pregnancy, was having several contractions and was in severe pain. The hospital was nearby, but going there would’ve taken too long, so we tried to call the doctor to our home.

A doctor and two nurses had arrived after an hour-long drive, for what would’ve taken merely 15 minutes otherwise. The rain didn’t stop and neither did your mom’s wailing.

I held your mom in my arms and lay her on the bed. She was at her heaviest best, but I didn’t feel a thing when I lifted her. All I wanted was for you two to be safe. Your mother leaked unfamiliar moans out of her pores in pain. I held her hand but I still felt as helpless as ever.

“The baby’s crowning. I can see the head.” One of the doctors said after making your mother push several times. I held your mother and wiped the sweat on her forehead every few seconds. She was being brave, and despite the pain, she tried to push you out with all her might.

After that eventful hour, the doctor held you in her arm and your mother fell into an unconscious state. There, in the doctor’s hands, was this little thing with blood all over its body and scratches of hair on its head. I asked the doctor if it was a girl or a boy and with a gloomy expression on her face, she said, “she isn’t breathing.”

My face fell. I went numb. It was like my world had come crashing down on me.

“Please do something, doctor.” I yelled in exasperation. At that moment the only thing I could be relieved about was your mother not being conscious.

The doctor kept you on the study table and rubbed your back and feet. Everyone in the room felt helpless, and watching the colour of your little body change, a tear rolled down my eye.

An hour passed by, the doctor now told the nurse to bring in a vessel full of hot water to dip a towel to rub on your chest. As time went by, she felt more and more restless.

Your mother was conscious now. And after telling her what happened she began to wail incessantly.

The doctor wrapped you in a blanket and took you to another room. Three hours had passed. And the nurse put her hand on my shoulder and said, ‘please pray for a miracle to happen’.

The doctor kept you on a higher platform, and rubbed your chest continuously. We had almost given up hope.

In a desperate attempt the doctor dipped her rubber-glove covered hands in the warm water to clean it. While rubbing your chest with one hand, she pinched your tiny nose and after a brief look at the sky in what was the briefest prayer ever, she brought her mouth close to yours and breathed into it. She kept doing that for a few minutes, until a miracle happened. All of a sudden you gave a meek cough, and a viscous liquid came gushing out of your mouth.

That sight I can never forget- your mother’s smile amid her tears and the sound of you crying from the other room.

The doctor brought you in, smiling, and gave you to your mother saying, “I’ll let you hold her before the nurse cleans her up.”

I had never seen that expression on your mother’s face before that day, it was full of joy, relief and tiredness. She gave you to me after she cajoled you and you stopped crying.

I had held you for the first time that moment. I could never be more thankful to God for giving me what was in my arms. You were still covered in a slimy liquid, your eyes still closed and you were wrapped in a towel. I rocked you gently a few times and I saw calmness on your face. It was that instant that I realised that, to me that was the most beautiful sight ever. The life that ran through your veins, that calm expression on your face, that beautiful little nose and mouth through which I could feel a mild breath pass through; it was all so beautiful.

For me beauty was in the life that I could feel in you, one which had given me more joy than I could ever imagine; beauty was in the eyes of your mother which cried and smiled at the same time; beauty was in the miracle that I had just witnessed. And in my eyes you will always be the most beautiful when I held you in my arms and felt you breath.

From that day on, I found beauty in every smile, every laugh, and every movement of yours. Because you were my miracle baby and whenever I saw you I knew what real beauty meant to me.

 What my father often told me was crystal clear to me now. I felt a little happy tear roll down my eye. My perception of ‘real beauty’ changed after my father narrated this story of the beauty in a miracle.

For the Girl who Brought Colour in my Life


This is for you, Tejaswee. The ever so beautiful, you. For your birthday, it’s a little way to celebrate your life and most of all, to celebrate you.

It’s intriguing, how God functions in the most weird possible ways. One of those weird ways was when I was barely 8 and I found myself lying in a medical room with an oxygen mask on my face during a mild asthma attack in school. This tiny figure with two braids walked up to me and said, “Hi, I’m the new girl, remember? Do you need anything? Should I tell ma’am to call your mum? I’ll carry your bag to the bus, don’t worry. You just relax okay, I’ll take down your notes too.” And that is how I met ‘Tejaswee Rao’- my best friend.

Tejaswee's hand and mine

You may not be with us any more. It’s been almost five months since you’ve gone. But there have been so many times that have proved, that you still live on, and your presence is there somewhere around us. I know you’re hiding in one corner and looking at all of us and whenever I miss you too much, you show up in my dreams, and make me feel better.

There are many things I’ve done and continue to do that have been inspired by you, Tejaswee. You’d always pester me to write more. And you always nagged me to start a blog. I never did when you were there. But I am doing it now.

August was difficult, and September was even worse when it started to sink in. But there were always these little things that reminded me of you from time to time and kept me going.

Caricature

I caught myself doodling in class many a times. They were rather unconscious. And many times they were because classes were just too boring. It was not until two months back, when KD told me that seeing me doodle, felt like she was watching Tejaswee in class somehow, that I realised what an inevitable part of everyone’s lives she had become and always will be.

I always admired the brilliant artist that she was. Especially after she had she had made a caricature of me.

You know, Tejaswee, I started doodling so much in class my notebook has started looking like a scrap book. I’d be happy if I’m even half as amazing an artist as you, but I am getting there and it’s all because of you and your inspiration. I never thought that caricature you made of me would be so precious to me and it very much is my favourite sketch anyone’s ever made of me.

She was usually late to class. Most of the time she would enter panting, because of running from the gate to class. She would usually stand at the door and flash that million dollar smile and no teacher would ever say anything to her. And the best part was she was never scared of what could happen or what our teachers would say.

Tejaswee and the cat

She would go around petting stray animals and she’d always give water and food to a homeless dog outside our college. Most people thought that dog was ferocious, but she was never bothered about what people thought and she never got scared if she wanted to do something good. Tejaswee Rao did not know fear.

I know you’re listening, and your gloating, sitting somewhere around here. But you have really taught me to be brave. I’m not afraid any more, of what could happen, or would happen. I’m not afraid of consequences. I listen to my heart. It seems like you’re telling me to do things. It seems like I have this guiding force above me which is looking out for me, and I know it’s you. I’ve learnt to be more honest and I’ve learnt to be strong, just the way you were.

I walk in late to class and tell the teacher I overslept. I pet stray dogs and I even have started liking cats. I made friends with your cat, Puppy. Your mom told me it was very unlikely of Puppy to get along with anyone, but maybe you did rub off on me, and your aura can be sensed by Puppy.

I’ve seen many people dress up for college. Seen people try too hard or not try at all. But Tejaswee Rao, was just effortlessly a walking fashion statement no matter what she wore. I’d never seen so many colours on someone at once, and never carrying it off as well as her. Sometimes she wore an orange trench coat, a turquoise muffler, purple trousers, and held her pink camera in her hand all at the same time and still looked as beautiful as ever. And the colours? Well Tejaswee just made all of them look good together. I guess she was the only person I knew who could piece together two of her favourite colours like orange and blue and make it look so beautiful.

Don’t know how you did it, Tejaswee. But you just made the colours look good. A few weeks ago I went shopping with my aunt. And there were so many things around me that reminded me of you. I didn’t think twice before buying any of the bright coloured things I did, but I just went ahead and bought them because sometimes, it just seems like you’re telling me to do things.

The colours around you looked best on you but you’ve inspired many to be as bold as you were. And I am one of those people. There is more colour around me now. And I know where it’s coming from. You’ve taught me to be myself and not be afraid to show the world who I really am. You’ve taught me to not fear being judged.

You’ve brought much more in my life than beautiful friendship, Tejaswee. You’ve influenced me in so many ways and you’ve taught me so much in this lifetime. You were more than a friend to me. You were like a sister.

Tejaswee, you will always have that special place in my heart. And for me you’ll always be the girl who changed me and that girl who brought colour in my life.

The things that I bought because these were Tejaswee's favourite colours

I will always love you, Tejaswee and we’ll forever celebrate this day as the birth of a beautiful person and the greatest person I’ve known that even lived, and one who will live in our hearts forever more.

The first and the last time that I saw her were both in a medical room. God does work in the most unusual ways. Being with her made me realise that not only does God chose your beloved but he also chooses your friends before hand, and you are destined to meet that special person somehow. And meeting this special girl, my best friend, Tejaswee, was my destiny.

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To a 30-Year-Old Me


Dear older me,

I’ve been thinking about you lately. Thinking about how you’ve turned out. It’s been 10 years since I’ve written this to you, and I’m writing this because I don’t want you to forget me, or that I was there in your life.

There are these questions in my head I want to ask, and I really wish to get answers to them from you.

I am 19 as I’m writing this. I know you’re older now, and you’re probably finding this childish but you’ve got to admit you’ve always loved letters, writing as well as receiving them.

I really want to know where you’re reading this. Is it in an air conditioned corporate office with an attendant at your beck and call or are you reading this at your home stealing some time away from your kids?

Or maybe you’re still a lot like me and you’re just reading this sitting on the pot in the loo.

Whatever it may be, I hope you do read this, because like I said, I want you to always remember that I was there.

I’ve been going through a lot of changes lately. College does show you the best and the worst times. But true to its every worth, a lot of what you’ve become today (whatever it may be) you owe a lot of it to this place.

I hope you’ve learned how to play the piano or guitar by now. Remember how you’ve always wanted to? I feel you should have by now. I hope you’ve learned to speak your mind, ’cause I still am not very good at that. I still prefer to write my mind rather than speak it.

I’m thinking of doing social anthropology, I hope you’ve done it by now. If you have, it would’ve helped you understand things better. And if you haven’t I hope you have a good enough justification to give me for it.

I know you’re older than me, but I still don’t feel awkward giving you advice.

I hope you’ve become a little less messy now. I have been proud of being it many-a-times but I still think you should’ve changed that in you by now. At least a little. Do you still hate alcohol as much as I do? I sure think so, ’cause I don’t think I’ll be able to develop the taste for it ever. Like I always say, I don’t think it’s immoral or wrong, I just don’t like the taste. Pretty impressive huh?

Are you still in touch with old friends from school and college? I haven’t had much experience as yet, but I can tell for one that these are the most real friends you’ll have.

I’m sure you remember Tejaswee. How can anyone forget her? Please remember her life always, and not her death. My faith in God hasn’t still been restored after her death. Maybe it has as you’re reading this? You know, she is the one who inspired me to write this in the first place. If you’re a good person today, you owe a lot of it to her.

Because, unlike a faceless God, of whose existence we can never be sure of, I was always sure that she was looking out for me. And I always refrained from doing anything wrong in life because I knew she was up there looking at me, and she wouldn’t like it. I just hope you haven’t seen a worse time than her death and I hope you don’t see it either.

Do you still go by my crazy philosophies? I don’t know about the rest, but I hope you haven’t let go of my ‘no-regrets theory’. It’s an original. I want you to follow it always. And I want you to have NO regrets in life whatsoever. I’m working towards that too, so that you don’t have any opportunity to blame me.

Oh! I forgot. I guess you’re the only one I can ask without hesitation. So, are you married yet? Well, if you are, I hope you’ve done everything I have dreamt to do before doing that. I hope you’ve chosen the right time and the right person (Is it who I think it is?).

I do want you to have lots of kids though. You know how much I love kids.

I just hope you haven’t become too fat. I don’t want to foresee you being fat. Okay fine, I’ll try and exercise a little so that you don’t have to face any trouble.

Have you started looking your age finally? I still haven’t been able to, as you know. I hope things change by the time I’m you.

Gosh! I’ve used hope so many times, I almost sound like Obama.

While I want some things about you to change, there are some things in me, which I want you to still have. I don’t want you let go of my quirky and stupid yet meaningful philosophies. One of them being my ‘in your shoes theory’, whenever I get angry at someone or feel a strong negative emotion for someone, I always put myself in their shoes and see if it is justifiable. If it is, I let go. But if it isn’t I fight back. I know it’s a little idealistic, I’m still working on it. By the time it’s passed on to you, you’d hopefully have mastered it.

I just hope that wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, you’re happy being there and doing that. I’m working towards it myself. I don’t know how true it’ll be then, but as of now, it does not matter to me what others think of me and it never really should.

Don’t lose touch with me. Please do remember me from time to time. I’ll be gone by the time you read this, but hopefully some part of me will still remain in you.

Love,

AK

Happy Birthday, Mom! :)


To: My Mom,

My mentor, my guide and my pillar of strength. My best friend and my closest ally. The woman I’ll always look up to (also because you’re taller than me) 😛

Since it’s your birthday today, I’m listing some of the reasons you’re the most special person I know. So here goes:

~The fact that you’re undoubtedly the most amazing cook the world will know. 😀

~The way you look oh-so-gorgeous in a sari or even if you wear track-pants or a dress. 🙂

~The times when you pretend to get angry and it all goes wrong and ends up in laughter. 😛

~The way you always know exactly how to handle any given situation. 🙂

~The way you stand up for yourself and refuse to take any crap from anyone. 8)

~The way I’m driven to blush like a tomato when you tease me about certain people. 😳

~The way you understand me and can read my face like an open book. 🙄

~The fact that you’re the most fun person to shop with. 😆

~The times when you grudgingly listen to my random ramblings even when it’s 2:00am, and I’ve woken you up from deep sleep. :mrgreen:

~The fact that you have an eye for the most amazing goodies which I’m sure to love. 😉

~The fact that I can share EVERYTHING with you from date stories, to a glass of wine. 😉

~The way you treat even a small problem with equal importance. 🙂

~The way you’ve always supported all my academic decisions. 🙂

~The way you treat everyone equally, no matter where they come from. 🙂

~The way you ALWAYS take my side. :mrgreen:

~The way you don’t pretend to like someone. 8)

~The way you can almost always save me from angry dad/aunt. 😛

~The way you’ve never deprived me of anything from the imported baby food to the close to hundred pairs of shoes. I named it and you got it for me. 🙂

~The fact that you’re the coolest and the most perfect mom there ever will be on this planet. 😀 😀 😀

~These and those uncountable things about you that I simply adore and which make you so special. 🙂

Thank you for everything mamma. 🙂

And wish you a very very very happy birthday. 🙂

Happy Birthday, Mom! 🙂