For the many thoughts that come and go unannounced and the ones which refuse to budge out of my head…

To a 30-Year-Old Me

Dear older me,

I’ve been thinking about you lately. Thinking about how you’ve turned out. It’s been 10 years since I’ve written this to you, and I’m writing this because I don’t want you to forget me, or that I was there in your life.

There are these questions in my head I want to ask, and I really wish to get answers to them from you.

I am 19 as I’m writing this. I know you’re older now, and you’re probably finding this childish but you’ve got to admit you’ve always loved letters, writing as well as receiving them.

I really want to know where you’re reading this. Is it in an air conditioned corporate office with an attendant at your beck and call or are you reading this at your home stealing some time away from your kids?

Or maybe you’re still a lot like me and you’re just reading this sitting on the pot in the loo.

Whatever it may be, I hope you do read this, because like I said, I want you to always remember that I was there.

I’ve been going through a lot of changes lately. College does show you the best and the worst times. But true to its every worth, a lot of what you’ve become today (whatever it may be) you owe a lot of it to this place.

I hope you’ve learned how to play the piano or guitar by now. Remember how you’ve always wanted to? I feel you should have by now. I hope you’ve learned to speak your mind, ’cause I still am not very good at that. I still prefer to write my mind rather than speak it.

I’m thinking of doing social anthropology, I hope you’ve done it by now. If you have, it would’ve helped you understand things better. And if you haven’t I hope you have a good enough justification to give me for it.

I know you’re older than me, but I still don’t feel awkward giving you advice.

I hope you’ve become a little less messy now. I have been proud of being it many-a-times but I still think you should’ve changed that in you by now. At least a little. Do you still hate alcohol as much as I do? I sure think so, ’cause I don’t think I’ll be able to develop the taste for it ever. Like I always say, I don’t think it’s immoral or wrong, I just don’t like the taste. Pretty impressive huh?

Are you still in touch with old friends from school and college? I haven’t had much experience as yet, but I can tell for one that these are the most real friends you’ll have.

I’m sure you remember Tejaswee. How can anyone forget her? Please remember her life always, and not her death. My faith in God hasn’t still been restored after her death. Maybe it has as you’re reading this? You know, she is the one who inspired me to write this in the first place. If you’re a good person today, you owe a lot of it to her.

Because, unlike a faceless God, of whose existence we can never be sure of, I was always sure that she was looking out for me. And I always refrained from doing anything wrong in life because I knew she was up there looking at me, and she wouldn’t like it. I just hope you haven’t seen a worse time than her death and I hope you don’t see it either.

Do you still go by my crazy philosophies? I don’t know about the rest, but I hope you haven’t let go of my ‘no-regrets theory’. It’s an original. I want you to follow it always. And I want you to have NO regrets in life whatsoever. I’m working towards that too, so that you don’t have any opportunity to blame me.

Oh! I forgot. I guess you’re the only one I can ask without hesitation. So, are you married yet? Well, if you are, I hope you’ve done everything I have dreamt to do before doing that. I hope you’ve chosen the right time and the right person (Is it who I think it is?).

I do want you to have lots of kids though. You know how much I love kids.

I just hope you haven’t become too fat. I don’t want to foresee you being fat. Okay fine, I’ll try and exercise a little so that you don’t have to face any trouble.

Have you started looking your age finally? I still haven’t been able to, as you know. I hope things change by the time I’m you.

Gosh! I’ve used hope so many times, I almost sound like Obama.

While I want some things about you to change, there are some things in me, which I want you to still have. I don’t want you let go of my quirky and stupid yet meaningful philosophies. One of them being my ‘in your shoes theory’, whenever I get angry at someone or feel a strong negative emotion for someone, I always put myself in their shoes and see if it is justifiable. If it is, I let go. But if it isn’t I fight back. I know it’s a little idealistic, I’m still working on it. By the time it’s passed on to you, you’d hopefully have mastered it.

I just hope that wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, you’re happy being there and doing that. I’m working towards it myself. I don’t know how true it’ll be then, but as of now, it does not matter to me what others think of me and it never really should.

Don’t lose touch with me. Please do remember me from time to time. I’ll be gone by the time you read this, but hopefully some part of me will still remain in you.

Love,

AK

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Comments on: "To a 30-Year-Old Me" (14)

  1. >dellusionalR said:

    I like the way you’ve put yourself now and yourself then as two difernent people.. nice.

    • Thanks. 🙂
      It was getting complicated using the same person, hence I addressed to me like I’m another person. 🙂

  2. your 30s will be rocking for sure!! Look forward to it. It’ll be all you wish and more:)

    • Thank you so so much, MK. 🙂
      I really hope they do. I want to do so much with life.
      I just hope I do it by then.
      Love 🙂

  3. arushi ..this is just beautiful . it is infact so beautiful it makes me cry.

    u knw , i was just thinking about tejaswee – i do that a lot. A HUGE LOT for a person who did not even know her – iv come to know her, very sadly after her death , through you , through her blog and disturbingly through her mother’s blog.

    i often , crack this joke these days – “we all might just die of dengue next week” – i give a weak fake hollow laugh ,after the joke – for i feel terrible , terrible bout all the things i dont like about myself and people around me when she didnt get to live her life – life it the beautiful way she would have.

    i am going to make you feel sad , so im going to stop talking bout this now – i am already crying , and that stupid piture of hers, of those two three hours i really knew for keep flashing in my stupid mind . and i miss the fact that i never noticed that million dollar smile of hers — i remember thinking she was beautiful , but i didnt i think pause to really look at her. i wish i had.

    about alcohol — i concur !!! though , i think oding nythign is immoral – even food , which i do . but then, we never came to this world to become saints now did we ?

    i want to have a lot of children, but i am forever afraid they will think of me as not caring enough for the world population – or worse , for being a lazy assed person who cldnt wear a condom enough times -plus , i think producing babies hurts !!
    maybe, what i could do then, is adopt children – that wld make tejaswee happy too , even though she did not know me . but , the very thought of breaking it to the child that she has not been begotten by me , is scary – dont know how the child will take it -or maybe i have seen too many crappy b grade bollywood movies.

    it is such a pleasure to drop by your blog – i think ,i end up writing a huge ass comment everytime. keep writing arushi
    p.s. i think , i am going to steal your idea :)))

    • Aww.. thank you so very much, Devika. 🙂
      And it’s okay if you mention Tejaswee. Like I said, I want to remember her life and not her death.
      I can’t forget that million dollar smile of hers. Sometimes I truly wish I could go back in time and somehow stop her from going.

      Hehe.. I want to have a lot of kids, and adopt a few too. 🙂
      Hopefully by the time they know how rarely I used a condom, they’ll love me enough to understand and forgive me. 🙂
      And adopted children don’t take it that badly, you just have to choose the right time to do so.
      Maybe you HAVE been watching too many B-grade movies after all. 😛

      Thanks once again, Devika. 🙂
      You’re most welcome to steal the idea. 🙂
      you may steal as many as you like. 😉
      Love and hugs. 🙂

  4. This is a beautiful letter and I was, in fact, thinking of writing a letter to the older me for sometime now… I even begun but I’m not pretty sure how I want the 30-year-old me to be.

    Now that I read your letter, I think I might just complete mine too.

    Nice post! (:

    • Thanks so much, Ankita. 🙂
      It’s more like a letter to know how you expect yourself to be and what you turn out to be in reality. Like an indicator of how much you’ve changed or how much you’ve stuck to what you believed in back then.
      And trust me once you start you’ll just go on. 🙂
      I hope I read this and smile 10 years later. Hopefully I’d have done the things written on it.
      Anyway, do write yours too and tell me when you do. I’d love to read it.
      Hugs. 🙂

  5. it’s beautiful AK! and we both know where the inspiration comes from 🙂 TJ is surely looking after all of us…and will always be in our hearts. Addressing someone you know you would be after some years..requires a conscience clear and pure…and you sure have that sweetheart.
    love!
    am

    • Thank you so much, AM. 🙂
      I really do hope to make Tejaswee proud. I’m sure she’s looking out for us from up there.

      Thanks so much once again, AM, (for the complements too 🙂 ). I’m humbled. 🙂
      Love and Hugs. 🙂

  6. Bahut achhe, nice idea you know I was once in a symposium which was Delhi when I am 30 years old aaaand i won it.hehe yea I know nice right hmm I should start a blog now bahut ho gaya bas!

  7. No Regrets Policy is worth following, for everyone. What we can’t change we must accept, no regrets. Loved this post Arushi.

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